Dr. Sasha (Alex) Lessin & Janet Kira Lessin

Answer Questions from the More Loving Perspective
Her Husband Loved Another Woman

Question: My husband came back from a business meeting and told me he had sex with a woman there. He said he felt good about the experience, but bad because he did it without telling me first.  He said it was healing for him and felt even more love for me afterward.  I deeply love my husband.  I don't want to leave him and I don't want to punish him forevermore, but I feel betrayed and hurt.  What should I do?

Sasha: It is better to communicate beforehand with your partner rather than after the fact when you're thinking of sharing intimacy.  We would ask, what were your agreements with your husband around attractions to other people?  So much pain can be avoided with clear agreements.  If you had an agreement that you would only be intimate sexually with each other, this would certainly feel like a betrayal.

     It is very natural to be attracted to other people.  We are by nature polyamorous.  What we choose to do with those feelings needs to be fully discussed.  It is in the making and keeping of agreements that trust is either 

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engendered or undermined.   Make your agreements after taking the time to fully discuss how you honestly feel, and what you ultimately want for yourself and your relationship. 
     Some couples choose to only make love with one another. Some choose to talk in advance of making love with another, to "check it out" or get permission. 

     Some couples feel comfortable with their lovers being free to love others any time, as long as it's done consciously, conscientiously and with integrity for all concerned. Honor whatever agreements you make. If later either of you come to realize you need to alter your previous agreements, sit down and communicate that.

     So if your husband did break an agreement with you, he owes you an apology. The fact that he did tell you is a sign of truthfulness in the relationship, which is good. Truth is the bedrock of relationship.

     This experience happened for a purpose. You can use it to bring you closer together, or use it to push each other away.  Ask your husband  to say what he learned from the experience. What wound in his psyche was healed?   Talk to the woman he was with.  Find out what her experience was.  Perhaps this was for her also a healing experience.  If she sent him back to you better than he was before, you could even thank her!  The more that is known, the less there is to fantasize about, and the more understanding there can be.  This can be an opportunity for both of you to communicate more in depth about your feelings and your needs.  It could bring you even closer together.

     Bottom line, you can use this kind of experience to become angry, bitter and unhappy, or you can use it for growth. You can turn your jealousy into empathy (compersion) and your rage into compassion.  You can use it to become a more loving person.