POLYAMORY: THE MORE LOVING PERSPECTIVE
Dr. Sasha (Alex) Lessin & Janet Kira Lessin

Answer Questions from the More Loving Perspective
  
 
He Has Two Loves But Obsesses On One 


Paul of La Jolla writes: I live with my two girlfriends, Julie and Carol.

     My sexual obsession’s Julie; she’s my aesthetic ideal--tall, athletic and angelic-looking.  She, like me, practices yoga.  Julie’s body’s perfect; her mind’s among the clearest I’ve experienced.  I’ve been in love with and lovers with her for many years.  However, she’s become physically aloof from me and only occasionally wants to do things together and even more occasionally, connect sexually with me.  I’m grateful for any sharing she gives me, but long for more.  When I press for more contact, however, she feels pressured and avoids me more.  So I wait for her to let me know when she wants to hang with me and, in the meantime, enjoy myself with Carol.

     Carol--unlike Julie--loves to share time, activities and tantric loving with me.  She’s on the heavy side, and that’s a turn-off to me.  But it’s only a turn-off for about two minutes, because when we actually start talking and touching, I’m completely pleased and love pleasing her.  Yet, no matter how much love I share with Carol I feel unfulfilled and long for more love from Julie.  I don’t think the body preference is nearly as powerful as the yearning to be close, easy and more freely sexual with Julie, to have her want me too.

Waiting for the Tide by Linda Garland

    
    
I yearn to have the kind of closeness I feel with Carol with Julie too.  Carol’s starting be annoyed when I obsess on Julie when she (Carol)’s so available to me.  Please advise me.


Sasha: Enjoy what you’ve got, don’t give so much energy to what you’ve not got.   Enjoy Carol when she’s with you, enjoy Julie when she’s with you and enjoy yourself when you’re alone.

    Establish a dialogue with the voice within you that wants your lover to look a certain way. Find out why that’s important to it. Find out when that voice developed and what it really needs. You’ll probably find there are better ways to fulfill those needs now than to insufficiently appreciate the companionship, support and love Carol gives you.

    Stop putting so much energy into how your lovers look, and respond more to how they treat you.  Without pressuring Carol, you could also create opportunities to do athletic, yogic and aerobic things with her.   If you also share healthy, low-fat meals with her and her body will become its natural best.


 

 
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